If there is one thing I have learnt over the last few years, it is that I don’t fit in, nice and neatly to this world in which I live, how ever much I want to. Western society is all about fitting in and for the most part, most people do because society has a certain amount of flexibility and will try to make certain adjustments but you still have to fit in to get anywhere.

Unfortunately, I don’t and can’t, despite years of trying. I am neurodivergent, my brain functions differently and I have found it incredibly hard to fit into the society in which I live for years. Which has led to anxiety, depression and years of stress.

I tried to be good, fit in, do as I was meant to but it never worked. I always felt on the edge, always flirting with what I perceived as failure. It is so hard to constantly get up and try again, when you know that for some reason, there is a good chance that you are not going to be very good at what you are trying to do.

I have a love/hate relationship with photography. I love photography because it is the one thing I am relatively good at and society loves people who are good at something. Unfortunately, being good at photography isn’t the most important part of being a professional photographer. It ranks behind being a good business person and knowing how to market yourself. If being a professional photographer was just about taking photos, then I would be great but it isn’t.

So, I have to find my way around this. I have said it plenty of times in posts before but I have won awards for my photography and whilst not exclusively, most of the time my work stands out, it is because it isn’t what everyone else is shooting. It is different, weird, odd and more often than not rather dark.

One of the problems I face is that my work, whilst technically very good is not commercial. Yes, I do corporate headshots but where I want to take my photography is more towards fine art and fashion. Of course, this is not easy and probably an area, where many photographers would like to go and they are going to be much more confident and better at marketing themselves than I am.

So I am feel, that I am on a tightrope and I have no idea, where I am going.

I will always be different, hopefully, I can make my photography stand out enough to become the success I want to be. But there is a good chance, I will live in obscurity, one of those could have been’s, who never was.

This all sounds very depressing and probably reflects how I feel currently. I know I have been on a down cycle for the last few months. After I didn’t win MPA London & Essex Portrait Photographer of the year (though I did win Male Portrait of the Year).

Of course, I had the same last year (after I did win MPA South East Photographer of the Year). So it isn’t just losing that triggers depression. Probably, more the uncertainty after Covid, in an industry which has been severely hit by the virus.

Currently, I am starting to work on my Neurodiversity project but it is going slow and I have to admit not to being as enthused as I would like, not helped by all the demons that I have to keep back.

This is who I am though. I wish I could be the happy go lucky photographer who loves everyone, finds it easy to interact and is a wiz at business but that isn’t who I am. I can only be the person I was born to be.

At the end of the month I will be 50 (scary) and I will be writing my Advise to a 16 year old me blog post. I have been thinking about what I am going to write, the advise I will give myself, see how happy or sad I am. Hopefully, it will be an interesting read.